All Roads

July 3, 2020 — Laura House

“All roads lead to Rome.” I’m sure you’ve heard that phrase. Early in my grief, all roads led to Nathan. All day long, normal life things led to heart-wrenching memories of him.

It could happen when I made dinner and would suddenly remember all of the things I cooked for him. I vividly recall how he would come home from a robotics meeting at school in the evening and stare into the refrigerator. It’s amazing how college-aged guys can look into a full fridge and yet not see anything to make! I’d say, “Let me whip something up for you. How about a burger, or pancakes and eggs?” He’d respond with, “Oh, you don’t need to do that. I’m sure you’re tired from a long day too.” Looking him in the eye, I’d explain that cooking for him was my “love language.” It’s how I showed him that I loved him. With great appreciation and a hug, he’d enthusiastically state, “Then by all means, go right ahead! Thanks, Mom!”

Incidentally, I have hundreds of Google chats with Nathan over the years and a large percentage of them are about food. To give you a bit of context, I should mention that Nathan lived in our walk-out basement to save money during his college years and that space also housed his burgeoning hobby electronics business, Foxytronics.  When our young adult kids lived at home, they were on their own for meals, except for the treasured times when everyone’s schedules coincided and we were able to share a meal. Hoping to connect with Nathan amidst his busy schedule, I frequently Google-chatted from upstairs, offering food or asking if he had time for a quick dinner on the porch or a family movie. The chats weren’t exactly face-to-face communication, but they were something, and today, I am grateful for all of these short conversations that often resulted in him popping upstairs or me heading down with my latest concoction. Here are some examples of what happened multiple times each week. 

10/15/13

Me: Good rainy morning. I'm getting ready to make something to eat. Would you like oatmeal, bacon, blueberry pancakes, french toast or lunch stuff ? What sounds good? I don’t care at all but just want to eat something :)

Nathan: That all sounds fantastic, but so much work!

Me: I didn't exactly mean ALL of it :) What sounds best to you?

7/5/14

Me: Good morning :) I'm warming up a burger and leftovers. Would you like me to make you a plate while it's out?

Nathan: Sure! Lemme know when it’s ready and I’ll come & get it.

Me: Ok. Burger or loaded hot dog?

Nathan: Both? :-)

Me: LOL- ok:)

12/19/14

Me: Oh hurrah. YTB.   (He must’ve fixed some techy thing for me and I was thanking him!)

Nathan:  :)

Me: YAM

Nathan: I don’t know that one...

Me: You. Are. Amazing

Nathan:  :) Aww

2/13/15  

Me: “I have some awesome chips and real nacho cheese sauce. Need a snack?

Nathan: “ Oooh, yeah!  Are they ready? I can come up and get them.

 3/26/15

Me: I was going to make a pizza, but am out of flour. I’m going to run to the grocery and thought I’d pick up a Pizza Hut pizza. Does that sound good?

Nathan: Sure! Is there any chance you might get some of the delicious chocolate ice cream as well? 

Me: Yep. Any other requests? Speak now, or forever …

Nathan: ha ha. I think pizza and ice cream is enough good stuff.

Early in my grief the memories came at the most random times from the most ordinary things and often felt more like an ambush—the grocery store, driving, flying on planes, doing laundry, a song, a book, movie ads, a certain ring tone, birthdays, holidays, eating with family, motorcycles, memes on social media about technology, Skyline Chili, golden retrievers, bird feeders, cross-over SUVs, the beach and ocean, foreign countries, someone speaking French, cinnamon rolls, cemeteries, juicers, pianos, graph paper, math books, palm trees, chicken pot pie, fajitas, chocolate cake, chocolate mint ice cream, mechanical pencils, gray zippered hoodies, Dr. Who, Star Wars, LOTR, and seeing his friends living their lives. It happened when I had an issue with my computer. Nathan was brilliant with computers. If we needed technical help, we always joked that we’d call 1-800-N-A-T-H-A-N— but it was so true.

What is it for you?

Four years down this road now, the ambushes are fewer and farther between and the joy and gratitude freely flow for the wonderful privilege of having our son in our lives for the years he was here. When memories are triggered, they usually bring a smile to my face accompanied by a wistful longing to see Nathan again. Yet even in this posture of gratitude, there are still ambushes and moments of grief, and I’m convinced there always will be.

Are you grieving the loss of someone dear today? Where are you in your journey? I hope you can be encouraged by knowing that there will come a time when the memories will become more of a solace than an ambush. They will be cherished, written down, and entrusted to others.

As I was thinking about writing this post, I wondered what a Google chat with God might’ve looked like at the beginning of this grief journey.

Me: I’m hurting, confused, and not sure if I can hang on.

God: I know. I love you. You don’t need to hang on. I’ve got you.

Find a way to trust Him, my friend.

Psalm 9:10 “And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O Lord, have not forsaken those seek You.”