Navigating the Holidays
November 27, 2021 — Laura House
The holiday season has officially begun. Thanksgiving is over, Black Friday sales have launched, and Christmas is only a month away. It seems that for many of the people around us, their experiences echo the song that proclaims it’s truly the “most wonderful time of the year.”
But for many grieving people, this time of year presents unexpected and painful challenges. If your loss is new, then you’re anticipating the year of “holiday firsts.” At “the first” Thanksgiving, the empty chair is a stark reminder of your loss, their favorite dishes bring painful memories, and their missing laughter compounds the hurt in your heart.
After you survive Thanksgiving, you are immediately hit with Christmas — everywhere you look you see advertisements of happy families decorating trees, giving presents to each other, baking cookies, building snowmen, and every image causes a hollow, sick feeling in your stomach. You see your loved one in every scenario and memories flood your mind.
For most of us, holidays through the years are filled with warmth and special traditions that we look forward to experiencing. They are a time to gather with those we love. But when the one you loved so deeply is no longer present, the special traditions, the stocking that no one will open, purchasing gifts for others but not for them, and basically everything, creates a vacuum in your heart that takes your breath away.
I want to take a moment to offer a few words to those who are hurting as well as those who haven’t said goodbye to someone but want to be a blessing to a friend who is feeling a loss this holiday season.
First, to those who are missing a child or other loved one…
If you are new to this journey of loss, you may find that the anticipation of every milestone day exceeds the pain of the actual day. First and foremost, I encourage you to cry out to the Lord with your anxieties about the upcoming event. Remember that He is with you and wants to carry you through every moment. When a painful time comes, talk to Him. Some days you might find yourself talking to Him constantly...and you’ll find a peace that you didn’t know could be found.
Do you have a friend who has experienced loss? If possible, ask them if you can share with them. They understand. If not, please reach out to us and we will connect you with someone who can fill that gap for you.
Some people find that journaling is helpful. You can be honest with your words in that context.
Take time to read about how others have “survived” and also how they’ve created beautiful ways to include their loved ones in the holidays. Whether it’s placing a chair for them at the table, lighting a memory candle, making special ornaments for the tree, or a host of other ideas, you’ll likely discover something that is helpful to you and your family. One item that I now treasure was created on one of Nathan’s “heavenly” birthdays, but would be so appropriate for a holiday family gathering. We Zoomed with family members who lived out of town, and we asked everyone to share a word that described Nathan. After the words were written on a plate with special markers, it was baked in the oven and now sits beside our stove—a beautiful reminder of our precious son. This very simple activity blessed my heart, and I believe was helpful for everyone involved. They love and miss Nathan too. I transcribed those same words onto a birdhouse that hangs in a tree above his grave.
Spend time with other grieving people. Whether that is through a Facebook group such as WhileWereWaiting (child loss), a GriefShare group online or in person, or a support group, you’ll find comfort and community that will be such a blessing to you. If your child has gone to Heaven before you, we host an online monthly support group on the first Sunday of every month. We’d love to have you join us.
Before the length of this blog becomes unmanageable, let me say a few words to those of you who have not yet lost a loved one but would like to minister to those around you. You have such an important opportunity! You are needed more than you know. For you, I want to include a link to a post that I wrote with specific ways you can minister to a grieving friend and hope that it will be useful. “What Can You Give a Grieving Friend?”
Now that we are five and a half years down the road, the holidays look different to me. I anticipate them with joy, and memories of Nathan bring a smile to my face. There are still tears, and always will be because of the tremendous love that we have for him. But while the loss is painfully evident, an even more important truth pervades my being. The “goodbye” in 2016 was not a permanent one, but really just a “see you in a little while.”
As grieving people, our job is to continue to honor and glorify the Lord with our lives, loving Him and becoming who He wants us to be, and loving those around us. Until one day, one glorious day, we’ll be in His presence and be reunited with those we hold dear.
