National Bereaved Parents Awareness Month
July 22, 2023 — Gary and Laura House
Over the last three weeks, you’ve likely seen a multitude of posts on social media acknowledging that July is National Bereaved Parents Awareness Month. If you are a bereaved parent yourself, then those posts that make their way outside of the private bereaved parent groups and into the feeds of “regular people” are likely comforting. It’s nice to spread awareness to others of what is happening inside of you.
Bereavement is largely a silent condition; well, sometimes it’s noisy, teary, and obvious. But most of the time, when out in public anyway, the bereaved walk and talk and interact like everyone else; only they know what is happening inside.
Before Nathan went to Heaven, we didn’t recognize bereaved people very well. But now we know the truth, they are everywhere. It could be the mom in the line behind you at the grocery, managing three kids, but silently grieving the loss of her fourth. It could be the couple sitting next to you at church that you just met during the fellowship moment in the service. They don’t look like grieving people on the outside, but might just be holding it together and can’t wait to get back to solitude to let the tears flow again.
The reality is that we usually can’t know what someone else is struggling through by just seeing the outside. None of us can read another person’s thoughts or experience their feelings; those are private, secret, personal.
As believers, we want to be a blessing to those around us who are hurting, whether they are experiencing child loss, other loss, or other painful situations. So what can we do to be more attuned to the needs of others? And can we, as the ones who are hurting, find a way to allow others to more clearly see our pain so they can help? Let’s start there.
To the bereaved parent…
For many reasons, it’s difficult to be transparent in our grief and allow others to see our pain. What if we are honest and they don’t seem to care? That might add even more hurt. It seems risky. If you are a bereaved parent, you might have experienced this scenario. You finally get up the nerve to share that you are struggling, and no one responds. The elephant in the room was just let out of the cage and no one knows what to do with it. That is entirely possible and is disheartening when it happens, but at least they now know. They might need time to contemplate and time for the Lord to work in them, but at least they know.
Remember that child loss is every parent's worst nightmare. For some, they feel that if they acknowledge your pain, somehow it could then happen to them, and they are horrified. For others, they care so deeply about you, but simply don’t know how to help. They don’t know what to say or do.
Once when our loss was very fresh, Gary was talking with a friend, who throughout the conversation, never brought up the topic of Nathan. Finally, Gary made a comment about missing Nathan. His friend responded with relief saying, “I was wondering how you were doing but didn’t want to bring it up and remind you of it”. Um…pretty sure none of us ever need to be “reminded.” But the lesson for us was that even those who love you dearly, may not have a clue how to help.
Gary was having lunch with a friend not long after we lost Nathan. In contrast to the previous experience, this friend immediately asked Gary, “how are you grieving?” This opened the door for Gary to talk about Nathan and what he was going through at that moment. It turned out that this friend was also a patient listener.
So what can we do to help those around us know how to help? On days when we feel that our hearts can handle the possible rejection, we can try to be more honest. When a good friend asks how we are doing, we can respond more truthfully. GriefShare suggests writing a “grief letter”, sharing where you are in your grief, and giving it to family and friends. Direct them to a blog, podcast, or article that can help them better understand your needs. Here is a short blog post, and here are two longer booklets that we wrote for this purpose.
For those who are reading this post and are not bereaved parents…
Thank you to those who go out of their way to notice, to care, to reach out, and to show up. Thank you for taking the time to become more educated about grief and loss. Thank you for opening your heart to the pain, and for entering the zone of grief with those who are hurting.
When we officially started Our Hearts Are Home in 2019, we chose a verse that shared much of the mission of the ministry.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
God is the “Father of compassion” and is the “God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles…” He alone is the One who can truly comfort our broken hearts. We have experienced that over the past seven years.
Then He gives all of us the privilege of entering into another's heartache to share that comfort with them. The passage continues, “...so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” As this verse states, when someone has experienced comfort from God, they are then uniquely equipped to share that comfort with others. Over the past few years, we have watched over and over, in awe, as grieving parents eventually begin to minister to others, forging deep relationships, and challenging each other to trust the Lord through the storm — sharing the comfort they’ve found through Christ.
As we all head into a new week, let’s not miss the opportunities around us. Let’s keep our eyes and hearts open to identify the hurting people around us and allow the Lord to use us to share His comfort; His perfect and lasting comfort.
