The Monkey and the Coconut

February 15, 2025 — Carol Brown

That sounds like a strange title for a blog about child loss, doesn’t it? But please stay with me and you’ll see where I’m going with it. 

Grief has often been described as a tangled ball of emotions, and indeed it is. It is natural to experience many conflicting feelings, often at the same time, creating confusion and chaos until we have the strength to sort them all out. These emotions are neither good nor bad in and of themselves. God created us as emotional beings and Jesus Himself when he lived in a human body felt many of the same things we feel. I find that thought reassuring because it gives me confidence that He understands what I’m going through at any given moment. Jesus not only understands, but He is also presently sitting at the right hand of the Father, communicating our deep need for comfort and healing to Him.
 
Emotionally, we express worship and pain, faith and doubt, love and jealousy, rage and peace, concepts which on the surface seem to conflict but in reality, define the complex nature of life after child loss. The expression of emotions is a necessary element of the process, an integral part of coming to terms with the terrible loss we have suffered. To give voice to the pain, sorrow, and turmoil is healthy, even though it might shock others in our circle who have no idea of what we are going through. 
 
We have many biblical examples to go by, faithful people like Hannah, Job, Jeremiah, David, Solomon, and Jesus Himself, who at times were overwhelmed by the hard circumstances of life and overcome with emotions with which we can easily identify. We see David besieged by his enemies, Job’s loss of everything he held dear, Hannah’s inability to conceive a child, Jeremiah’s vision of calamity befalling his people, Solomon’s disillusionment, and Jesus sweating drops of blood in the Garden of Gethsemane. How could we expect less of ourselves? I believe that emotions are a gift from God that can draw us closer to Him. However, every good gift God gives us, our great enemy attempts to use to our detriment.

Let’s take anger as an example. Many bereaved parents like us feel anger that might be aimed in several different directions. Perhaps we’ve felt the sting of rejection, abandonment, or judgement from those who think they know, but don’t. Our pastors or other church members have not been as responsive as they should have been. Or maybe the anger is directed at one who we hold responsible for our child’s death. Anger could be aimed squarely at God Himself, for His seeming failure to answer our prayers and save our child. Many times, we find that we are angry with ourselves because we were unable to control the circumstances that led to the loss of our child. Because anger can be the root of other emotions such as fear, guilt, and jealousy, we might find that we are setting up roadblocks on the road to the healing that God desires for our hearts to receive. We continue to nurse it, holding on to it with a closed fist until it traps us and enslaves us. This is Satan’s desire, and here is where the story of the monkey and the coconut comes in.
 
Years ago, I read an autobiography by a man simply known as Brother Andrew. Brother Andrew smuggled Bibles into what was then known as the Iron Curtain, referring to Communist Eastern Europe. The book entitled, God’s Smuggler, was full of amazing stories of God’s protection and provision as he embarked upon his dangerous missions. In his youth, Brother Andrew ran from God, preferring to go his own way, until he realized his life was empty and meaningless. He illustrated this point by telling a story of a man who performed an experiment involving his pet monkey. 
 
The man drilled a hole in the top of a coconut just large enough for the monkey to slip his paw through. He placed a shiny trinket at the bottom of the hole, knowing his pet was a curious creature and would want to get the treasure for himself. Sure enough, the monkey put his paw into the hole and wrapped his fist tightly around the shiny object. But of course, when he attempted to extricate himself from the coconut, he found he was hopelessly trapped. Although the hole was big enough for his hand, it was too small for his clenched fist that held the trinket. The only way he could get free was to open the fist and leave the trinket behind.
 
I have heard many parents say that God understands our anger and other strong emotions and is big enough to handle it. I agree with them one hundred percent. He most certainly is. But the question of whether God is big enough is, in my humble opinion, beside the point. Once again, using anger as an example, perhaps the questions should be (1) Is my anger helping me to heal on my grief journey? (2) Is my anger affecting my relationships with others? (3) Is my anger drawing me closer to the One who desires to heal me?
 
Yes, anger is a natural response to the trauma of losing a child and I would never scold those who experience angry feelings. I certainly did. Jesus was “indignant” as He stood at tomb of his friend Lazarus, groaning in his spirit. The very idea of death and the devastation it brought to those He loved broke His heart. I believe that indignation fueled His determination to complete his mission to defeat death forever.
 
However, we need to honestly evaluate the potential harm strong emotions may do if we aren’t willing to open our hands and give them to the One who can give us relief instead of allowing them to grow to the point of damaging our relationships with God and others.

In his article entitled “Psalms of Lament-Turning to God in Times of Sorrow”, Jono Elderton explains why a Psalm of lament can provide a blueprint for bringing all our emotions before our Heavenly Father and in doing so, increase our trust and confidence in Him. “The psalmists were real people working through intense grief, trauma, and adversity. We can relate to their agony and find solace in knowing they made it through the dark times of suffering. Lament psalms model how we can be brutally honest with God. They express raw, complex emotions openly before God, teaching us not to bottle up pain but to bring it honestly to the Lord. Though the lament psalms express moments of complete despair, they ultimately affirm trust in God’s faithful character and sovereign control. Even in the depths of pain, these prayers anchor our emotions to God’s steadfast love, especially when life overwhelms us.“
 
Psalm 13 is a perfect example of a psalm of lament. Notice that after David freely and honestly lays out his complaints, questions, and honest emotions, he can affirm His trust in a God whose ways he may not understand, but in whom he places his hope and trust.
 
1  How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
2  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
    How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3  Look on me and answer, LORD my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4  and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5  But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6  I will sing the LORD’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.
 
When we come to God regularly, placing all the anger, fear, guilt, jealously, doubt, and whatever else is plaguing our hearts and trapping us within our own limited understanding, we find relief and release. When we offer Him an open hand instead of a clenched fist, He will fill it with peace, comfort, and freedom to trust His love and Provision.
 
We are invited to “cast our anxiety upon Him for He cares for us.” (1 Peter 5:7) May we let go of the things that are impeding us on this journey and take hold of the healing that is available.
 
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 147:3