What Can You Give a Grieving Friend?

December 9, 2023 — Gary and Laura House

We recently stumbled on a picture that touched our hearts, as we recalled our childrens’ anticipation of Christmas morning. Although they were certainly excited by the prospect of new items they wanted for themselves, all three of them delighted in watching others open the gifts that they had selected or handmade. They could hardly wait to see the expression in the recipient's face, and true joy filled their hearts. 

In the picture below, Nathan was eagerly anticipating the opening of a gift he had gotten for Megan. This package might’ve been the ring he once made as a gift, which she still treasures. The “stone” was actually created with layers of super glue! Taking a look at his face in the photo, you see that he is ready to burst, as he awaits her reaction to the gift. Of course, the greatest gift actually was experienced by us, as we got to witness the expressions of love the kids showed to each other.

Because of Nathan’s homegoing more than seven years ago, people often ask us what they can do to be helpful to a friend who is experiencing the loss of a loved one. What gifts can you give a grieving friend? Here are a few simple but powerful gifts that are sure to bring comfort and an assurance of your care for them.

Give the gift of helpful words.

Your words are powerful. At the beginning of someone’s loss, your words can bring comfort or distress; encouragement or anxiety. Grief is a tricky thing, and those who are walking in it need patient friends who will simply be there. 

First, let’s review a few of the things “not” to say. It’s easy for these comments to roll off of our tongues, but they aren’t helpful. The following statements don’t validate the grief the parent is experiencing.

Don’t say: “I know how you feel.” You really don’t. The reality of grief is that none of us fully knows how someone else feels. If you’ve lost a spouse, we can’t completely relate to your grief because we haven’t lost a spouse. Even if you’ve lost a child, that child wasn’t ours.

Don’t say: “At least you have other children.” It’s true that the grieving parents we’ve met who have other children are very grateful for them, because as parents, they love all of their children. However, the reality of having other children doesn’t diminish the pain of losing one. 

Don’t say: “You’ll get over it.” Don’t suggest that the grieving parent needs to “move on.” As we walk the journey of grief, we “move forward” and learn to carry the weight in such a way that we can live with joy, purpose, and fulfillment, but we never “get over” losing our child. We will always miss them intensely and there will be moments of grief until we are reunited in Heaven.  

Don’t say:“It’s going to be okay.”  Not helpful. It doesn’t feel okay, and your grieving friend needs you to acknowledge that.

Don’t say: “You are so strong. I could never do that.” Wow. We’ve been told this one several times and still find it hard to respond appropriately. Never in a million years did we expect to lose a child, and if we had entertained the thought, we wouldn’t have believed that we would survive it. We have no strength on our own, but the Lord provides the strength that is needed.

So what can you say that is useful?

When the loss is fresh, there really aren’t many appropriate options. Our minds are numb, disbelief rules our thinking, and dozens of emotions are present and change from moment to moment. In this situation, the old adage “less is more” applies. The following comments are some of the most helpful things that people said to us right at the start of this journey. Their words let us know that they loved us, loved Nathan, and wanted to be there for us, even though we had no idea what we needed at that moment. The Bible says to “mourn with those who mourn” and that is what these heartfelt comments demonstrated to us.

“I am so, so sorry for your incredible loss.”

“I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.”  

“My heart is breaking for you. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m so sorry. Please know that I love you and I am here for you.”

“I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry.”

“I am so sorry for your indescribable loss and am praying for your family.”

Expressing how sorry you are is validating the intense grief they are experiencing.

Months down the road, there are other questions and comments that are useful. In the past, we might have asked someone, “How are you doing?” We genuinely wanted to know, and didn’t realize that the question wasn’t phrased well. Our question usually forced an answer of, “I’m fine.” No, they weren’t fine, but our question had put them in a difficult spot. Today, there are other questions that we might ask someone.

“How is your grief?“ It acknowledges their reality.

“I really want to know how you are doing through this very difficult time.” 

“I imagine that the holidays might be really hard when you’re missing _____. How are you really doing?” 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about you and ____. I can’t imagine how much you must miss him. I would love to be a blessing to you. What can I do to be helpful?”

Give the gift of listening.

One of the biggest gifts you can give a grieving person is simply the gift of listening. Don’t offer advice about things you haven’t experienced. Just listen. Sit with them and don’t try to fill the silence. At the beginning of the account of Job, his friends had it right. Without giving advice, they just sat with Job and grieved with him. 

Feel free to cry with them when they are crying and be honest about not knowing what to do for them. Simply say that you don’t know how to help, but you want to be a blessing to them. They may not know what they need either, but still ask.

Down the road, even years down the road, listening is still one of the best gifts to give a friend. Invite them to talk about their child. It’s easy to ask a question like, “What was Nathan’s favorite _____?” It opens the conversation about the child and invites the parent to continue talking if they want to.

Give the gift of remembering.

Even though you may be uncomfortable saying the child’s name or be afraid that you might cause hurt or pain, trust us on this one, your friend wants to say and hear others say his/her child’s name! One of the greatest fears of a bereaved parent is that people will forget their beautiful child’s life. 

If you are a bereaved parent, then you’ll concur that our children remain an important part of our family — forever. For us, the desire to hear Nathan’s name, hear stories about his life, and hear from his friends and family about how important he was to them and how much he is missed, grows stronger as the years go by. The most valuable gift anyone can give us now is a photo, story, email that Nathan sent them, or just a note telling us that they miss him too. If you know someone who has lost a child, these are simple yet tangible things that will mean the world to them.

Give the gift of action.

When one of our friends loses a child, we want to DO something. The most horrible thing we can imagine as parents has just happened to them and we want to help. So, here are a few practical things that will be a blessing to them.

Provide meals and groceries.

Grieving parents still need to eat, but it takes energy to shop for and cook healthy meals. Grief is taking all of their energy right now, especially when the loss is new. Drop off meals in disposable containers that don’t need to be returned, or set up a meal train online where people can purchase gift cards to local restaurants that have pick-up or delivery options.

If you drop food off, don’t place expectations on them to want to talk. They might, and they might not. If they don’t ask you to come in, just drop it off, tell them you are so sorry, you love them, you are continuing to pray for them, and then leave. If you contact other people to make meals, consider gathering the food and delivering it yourself. It can be hard to face a multitude of people when you are grieving, especially if the people are acquaintances that they don’t know very well.

Meals that can be put in the freezer are a blessing and can be popped into the oven on those inevitable days down the road when your friend simply can’t prepare a meal.

Purchase groceries, then send a text message that you are coming and leaving them on the porch. Think about staple items that they also need when there are extra family members coming for a memorial service. Consider paper goods like paper plates, cups, plastic cutlery, paper towels and toilet paper; milk, cereal, bread, fresh fruits and vegetables, frozen lasagna that can be popped into the oven, etc.

Send cards—lots of them.

In our day and age, most people don’t send “snail mail” but only rely on emails and texts. Those are great, but grieving parents may not be at their computers or on their phones. A card, expressing your love and an encouraging Scripture verse, can help soothe the soul. Remember, most cards will come within the first few months. Keep sending them after that time, when most people have forgotten and moved on. One friend of ours sent us a card every month that first year, and it meant so much to us.

Offer to take your friend’s remaining children to classes, appointments, or whatever commitments they have.

Be gentle and loving to those children who have just lost a sibling. They are devastated as well. Don’t ask, “How are your parents doing?” That question ignores the pain that the sibling is experiencing. If it’s appropriate at the time, let them know how sorry you are. A teen we know recently lost her sister. Our comment of, “I’m so sorry about your sister,” caused a simple response of “thank you” but the look in her eyes was that of great appreciation. Every time our paths cross, she is quick to say hello and clearly feels comfortable around us now.

Send a text, email, card, flowers, or a small memory gift on special days. Or pick up the phone and make a call.

Birthdays, “Heaven” days, and holidays can be exceptionally difficult. On one of Nathan’s birthdays, one of his friends from engineering school connected with a few other students and sent a beautiful flower arrangement with an even more beautiful note. It’s hard to express how special that was to us. Just knowing that friends remember the day is such a comfort and help. Even a simple text or Facebook message is a comfort and blessing.

Pray for your grieving friend.

Pray that they will find a way to truly trust Jesus. Pray for comfort. Pray that the Lord will give you opportunities to show them love.

Try not to forget.

Your life is moving on, as it should. But for your friend, the process of incorporating this new identity into their way of life will take a long time. Please don’t forget about them when the crisis seems to be over — when everyone else returns to normal life. In his book, Grieving the Loss of a Loved One, H. Norman Wright explains, “For many who have lost a child, it can take six to ten years to stabilize.” That’s a long time. After having the privilege of gaining friendships with a host of bereaved parents, we see that even after a dozen or more years down the road, there will still be moments of grief. When you acknowledge that your friend is still missing their child, you give them a priceless gift. 

Would you enjoy some specific gift ideas to bless a grieving parent this Christmas? Here is a downloadable resource that might help.

Call, email, write, and pray. In this way, we are all privileged to live out Galatians 6:2. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”. 

Another wonderful verse is found in Proverbs 17:17 — ”A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” 

How thankful we are for those friends and brothers!